it's all about me!

happiness is ...

2007-04-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

happiness, for me, is a myriad of things. ako pa?! ang dali kong pasayahin. in other words, mababaw ang kaligayahan. but beware. mababaw din ang aking luha. right noems?! hahaha let's just say i'm an emotional person. heart over mind. more often than not, my emotions get the better off me.

as i await sleep to claim me, let me enumerate what made me happy today:
- hang-over from last sunday's "concert"; huwaaaaw! that was a different kind of high!!! and it warrants an entire blog all to itself =)
- i was productive 100% today! feel fulfilled because i was able to do most of my tasks (most of which have been long overdue)
- listened to praise music the entire day. i needed the extra boost to focus on my work. offered my work to him today. although i'm uber tired... i'm still grateful that i have the capacity to work & to push myself to my limits
- listening to snow patrol's chasing cars ... while imagining jonathan's face... or mcdreamy's or mcsteamy's ... hahaha =) haaaaaaay da best!
- the thought of eating yummy sausages! talked about TJs today. yum yum!
- chocolate milk team with pearls!!! my alternative to starbucks as i'm kinda poor right now. hahahaha
- seeing louise' pictures!!!! and my friends pictures!!!! and the mountains... and ... basically, reminiscing ... how i miss my friends & my pamangkins!
- prospect of getting a tan this may with milay! =) yahoooo!

got lots of things to be thankful for! =) thank God I'm alive!

muddled thoughts

2007-04-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

this post won't be organized & structured. i just want to get my thoughts out of my system =D

* conquering mountains, conquering thyself
"...when we are on high, we can see everything else as small... our glory and our sadness lose their importance. whatever we conquered or lost remains there below. from the heights of the mountain, you see how large the world is, and how wide its horizons" - excerpt from the fifth mountain by pc

how i miss the smell of damp earth. yes, i still long for the warmth of the sun & the salty breeze. but conquering a mountain is a totally different high. not only do i retreat into the wilderness, but i get to lose myself in His greatness, bask in humility and acceptance that i am but a dot in his canvas. nonetheless, happiness is knowing that despite my insignificance, His confidence in me is so great that i am given the honor to be a part of the greater scheme of things.

* take me out of the dark my Lord, 'cause I don't want to be alone; I don't want to be there
in friendster's language, this is my shoutout for today & for the weeks to come. i do know He's always there. i know He loves me despite my weaknesses. i know that He has forgiven me. however, i can't help but feel distant. can't help but feel unworthy. feel like He's out of my reach. or i'm out of His reach perhaps? i know that i've failed Him, that i've faltered. more often than not, gave Him up to be with him on Sundays. i didn't notice that i was slowly drifting away from Him. i don't know at what point i started doing so. all i know now is that ... i'm lost ... and that my soul is longing to find myself in Him again.

* a lesson on letting go
today i learned that one of my friends has tendered her resignation, effective end of this month. didn't expect that i'd be affected that much coz i never realized the depth of our friendship until now. i found myself crying for the nth time today at the thought of losing her, of not having her @ arm's length. i've been taught this lesson before -- not to take things for granted. i guess i have yet to learn this lesson. as the saying goes, when you've lost something, that's when you realize it's value. too late.

"you never think the last time is the last time, because you think you'll have more. you think you have forever but you don't." - grey's

* happy thought => free tall espresso frap!
got myself a free tall espresso frappuccino from starbucks today. yum!!! =D much-needed boost! thanks to a generous soul!

* missing jill
don't know when jill crossed-over to becoming my "bestest friend" from a kabarkada. she knows all my life's stories even if she's sooooo far away. when something happens to me, may it be happy or sad, she's usually the first person to know. i need not omit any details as i'm confident in our friendship. i'm sure she enjoys hearing every single detail, even the minute ones. with us, there's no such thing as "judging". but indeed there's a lot of honesty and sincerity. i miss our theological & philosophical discussions jill! i miss your smile & your hugs! wish you were here... or should i just wish i were there? hahaha =D

*** nyt ***

paalam

2007-02-18T09:26:00.000-08:00

salamat kaibigan sa iyong kabaitan... sa iyong pakikisama... sa iyong walang sawang pangungulit. napasaya mo ko sa mga sandaling nakasama ka namin. nagsilbi kang liwanag sa madilim kong mundo. binigyan mo ko ng pag-asa. ibinalik mo ang aking tiwala sa mga tulad nyo. napatunayan mong may matino pa pala sa mundong ito. minsan, ako'y nasaktan. nag-iba ang tingin ko sa inyo, sa mundo. may panahon na ang "pagi-ibig" ay wari'y konsepto na lamang sa akin, isang salitang nde kayang panghawakan, angkinin, damhin. salamat kaibigan. nang dahil sayo, bumalik ang positibo at makulay kong pananaw.

ngayon sa aking pagsulat, ako'y mamamaalam. nde sayo, ngunit sa aking nararamdaman. sa araw-araw kong pakikitungo sa iyo, unti-unti kitang nakilala. unti-unti kitang minahal. ngunit, alam kong dumaraan ka lang. isang anghel na tutulong saking makabangon, makalimot sa mapait kong nakaraan. ngayon, sa bawat pagpindot ko ng letra... tinatanggal na kita sa aking sistema. kakalimutan na kita... kakalimutan ko na na minsan ay nangarap akong makapiling ka. salamat sa sandaling pinasaya mo ko na halos maabot ko na ang langit. ngayon, sa araw na ito, tatanggapin ko nang ... ikaw ay isang panaginip lamang. isang pangarap na kailanman ay nde ko kayang abutin.

salamat kaibigan. nang dahil sayo, nde na asul ang aking mundo.

interrupted stories

2006-12-07T08:12:00.000-08:00

I picked up the The Zahir to lull myself to sleep. As I was leafing through its pages, I came across this passage that prompted me to turn on my laptop yet again. This has been the focus of my life for the past year and now, I'm glad that now... it's nothing but a faint memory. Now I'll leave with some excerpts to think about:

"I think that woman was right," I said. "If you tell a story, then that means you're still not really free of it."

"I am free, but, as I"m sure you'll understand, therein lies the secret; there are always some stories that are "interrupted," and they are the stories that remain nearest to the surface and so still occupy the present; only when we close that story or chapter can we begin the next one."

...

That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.

...

"What are 'interrupted stories'?"

"Esther isn't here. She reached a point where she could go no further in the process of emptying herself of unhappiness and allowing joy to flow in. Why? Because her story, like that of millions of other people, is bound up with the energy of love. It can't evolve on its own; she must either stop loving or wait until her beloved comes to her..."

=)

of love & vanilla skies

2006-10-21T08:14:00.000-07:00

last night was my 1st time to attend teaching nights in sfc sg. as we were beginning our discussion, noemie shared with me a couple of verses from 1 Corinthians 13. It's one of her fave verses. after reading it, i realized that it was one of my old-time favorites as well. I read these verses in my bro's wedding, a definition of what love is.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

if i go by this definition of love, then i can't say that i have already truly loved someone. this definition is hard to live by, but it's a challenge that i am willing to take. my previous relationship wasn't perfect, in fact it ended almost abruptly. but as sophia said in vanilla sky, every minute, every passing minute is a chance to change one's life.

now that i have grieved over my lost love, i'm ready to take on the challenge to start living again. i'm hopeful that my next relationship will be so much better than my first as i am comparably a better person now.

cheers to love & to vanilla skies.

chasing cars

2006-10-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

if i lay here, if i just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world...

today was grey's anatomy's final episode for season 2. i told myself i wouldn't cry anymore. i've been crying too much already because of this series. hehehe can't help it. each episode tugs at my heart that i myself can't sometimes comprehend why. the series shows real people, real emotions, real problems. raw reality. it makes me reflect about my life, about my thoughts, my views. it shows me the depths of human emotions. humanity.

weakness. strength. happiness, anger, emptiness, vibrance. life is a roller coaster ride. it has its ups & downs. but what keeps the wheels turning is the truth that we get to decide how we live it. choice. freedom. we are challenged every passing day. we are given the choice to respond. and it's the response that matters most.

i always ask myself, why do i do things this way and that? how come this is how i face life? and the reality strikes me. it's not because this is who i am, but because i'm weak to face who i can be. who i ultimately am. swallowed in weakness, fear. unable to stand up for what i believe in because of what society dictates.

life is indeed a roller coaster ride. but we have a choice to enjoy the ride, with hands high up in the air, swaying freely right & left. life is about making choices. we may make mistakes, yes, but this is how we learn. people may not like us but hey, who are they to judge you? ultimately, it's between you and God.

i have this friend courageous enough to follow the dictates of his heart. and thereby lies his happiness, his freedom. his reason for living. because ultimately, what matters is ... one has to be true to oneself. because only then, that one knows how life can be lived with such zeal & passion.

going back to meredith & derek, can't say that i agree with where the story's leading. and i have a feeling that even if vince has plans for her, she would choose derek because that's what her heart dictates. even if this choice means complicating her life, hurting people, going against what society dictates, in the end... what matters most ... is love. having loved with your entire being, holding nothing back, freely giving & being loved in return... even for once in your life. that's what life is all about.

now i'm leaving you with fave song by snow patrol ... we'll do it all, everything, on our own. we don't need anything or anyone. if i lay here... if i just lay here... would u lie with me and just forget the world. i don't quite know how to say how i feel. those three words, i said too much are not enough. if i lay here, if i just lay here... would u lie with me and just forget the world. forget what we're told, before we get too old, show me a garden that's bursting into life. let's waste time, chasing cars around our heads. i need your breath to remind me to find my own. if i lay here.... if i just lay here... would u lie with me and just forget the world. forget what we're told, before we get too old, show me a garden that's bursting into life. all that i am, all that i ever was, is here in your perfect eyes, they're all i can see. i don't know where, confused about how as well, just sure that these things will never change for us at all... if i lay here, if i just lay here, would u lie with me and just forget the world.

love defined

2006-09-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

taken from alex's profile:

"I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love.Love above all. No...not the artful postures of love, notplayful and poetical games of love for the amusement of anevening, but love that...overthrows life. unbiddable,ungovernable- like a riot in the heart and nothing to bedone, come ruin or rapture." - Shakespeare in Love

-a perfect conclusion to a hilarious start-

2006-09-01T07:25:00.000-07:00

one fateful night last week, i had a breathtaking encounter with bb.

my day started out with an accident. a funny incident really. a perfect proof that karma exists. just when i found myself laughing at my roomie's antic, i found myself falling... fast... hard... on my knees.let me expound. it was raining hard that morning. hard but quick. soon after we boarded the shuttle, it was reduced to a mere drizzle. a perfect setting for my fall. hehehe =D when we alighted from the shuttle, my roomie took out her umbrella.she was trying to open it to no avail. she looked really funny. holding up the still-folded umbrella, getting spots on her dress 'coz of the drizzle. i was laughing at her secretly. silently. my eyes twinkling with amusement. focused on her, i didn't notice the gap on the pavement. whoooosh... i found myself on my knees, arms spread out on the wet pavement. a simple yet perfect illustration of karma. or how fast karma strikes. although my knees were throbbing and I was blushing with embarrassment, i found myself laughing because deep inside, i knew that it was meant to be a lesson.

i must have done really well that day because I was immensely rewarded that night. going home, we took bus 131 from the office to SMU because it was already late. there was no more free shuttle service. it was by chance that we boarded the same bus that "uncle" did. in all the "uncle-s" we have here in singa, he's our favorite. he blends coffee real well in our fave cafe (killiney's) at marina. he's our favorite because not only is he funny but he also gives that "extra" boost in our coffee. just so you know, we always order kopi-c. short for coffee with evaporated milk and sugar. hhhmm... yummy. i said that uncle gives that "extra" boost in our coffee because of 2 things. first, he always adds lots of extra milk. needless to say "uncle, many many su-su (milk)", he generously pours milk into our cup. second, he loves his job. he obviously does. he mixes our coffee smiling, his head shaking right-and-left, as if dancing. these are the reasons why we love our coffee from killiney's marina so much. comparably plain and cheap yet when uncle prepares it with such passion, he brings out the best in the coffee beans.

now you wonder, why am i delighted with my encounter with uncle in bus 131?you see, he no longer mixes our coffee whenever we go to killiney's at lunch time. we learned that he was on leave. then we never saw him again after that. so much to our dismay, we found the quality of coffee depreciate. now that we saw uncle again, we asked him where he worked. he said he still works for killiney's marina, but his shift changed. his shift starts at 3pm. yey! good news for us. we just needed to change the timing of our coffee break. =D

my rewards didn't stop here. we alighted from bus 131 at SMU bus stop and boarded bus 145. another boring bus ride. little did i know that my head will be reeling and my heart will be beating with such intensity ... thud-thud-thud ... all the way home. i sat opposite bb!!!!!! i wasn't exactly seated opposite him. not really. i was just exaggerating for effect. hehehe actually, i was seated behind the seat opposite him. =D but still!!!! the fact is, i saw bb once again!!!!!for the longest time, i've been waiting in vain for him to board bus 130 on mornings. not sure if i posted this on my previous blogs but one unfateful day, he just stopped riding bus 130 at 8:15 in the morning. =(i found myself losing the determination to wake up early, no more frantic mornings to catch the 8:15 bus ride. * blame it on the rain... yeah yeah... blame it on the stars that shine at night...*hahaha here i go blaming it on him... when in fact it just gets harder and harder to get up early each paaaasssssssing singa day =D heheheanyway, i have this theory that he moved from balestier to some far away place and that he's now living with his girl friend. but alas! for this first time in my life, i've never been happier to be proven wrong. so there! back to the ride of my life. promise! i didn't mean to sit where i sat that night. was it serendipity? a serendipitious night. hahaha whatever. i was just happy... soooo happy with capital H-A-P-P-Y that i got to see bb again. and mind you, that's "see" with capital S-E-E. haaaay he was so cute that night. he was wearing black shirt & jeans. so manly. he had colds though. poor him. i swear! if only i had enough courage, i would have offerred him some kleenex. hahaha but nwys, he was seriously reading. listening to music. snuffling. hhhmm... now that i'm writing this, could he have been crying? while reading the book? that's why he's snuffling? could it be?? hahahawell if he were, plus points for him. just goes to show he's sensitive. hahahaha isn't it amazing how some negative trait can turn out positive just because you like somebody? nwy, back to my story. when i realized that he was seated opposite him, i didn't know what to do. how should i act? where should i look? should i sit straight? slouch? should i just look aloof? act as if i don't care. haaaaay funny me! as if he cares. although... and i'm sure this is just me thinking ... he did notice me. hahahaha =D he looked up when he drank water, then just as he was about to go back to reading, he looked at my direction... and then, for just a fleeting moment... he looked at me!!! he actually looked at me!!!! haaaaaaay that made my day. so... now i can say with such conviction that ... the bus ride home that night wasn't boring at all! it was in fact, breathtaking. simply sublime.

now i find myself thinking, what did i do right that day to be rewarded so generously? to be filled with immense happiness and hope?or maybe... it's not what i did right. it's what i do right. it's how i perceive things that makes my day perfect all the time. again, a perfect conclusion to a hilarious start.

closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters

2006-07-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

i've recently completed my collection of paulo's books. now, every free time i have is spent on reading. since i don't own this laptop i'm using, i can't do the same thing i did while reading the fifth mountain, typing in excerpts that i would like to ponder on and live by. now i'm reading the zahir, it's a novel about "obsession and its potential to both fulfill our dreams and destroy them". i've been reading this book for more than a week now, not that it's difficult to read or it's boring. it's just that i'm getting more tired each passing day, busier with work, having less time to read. but this book has been by my bedside table ever since i started reading it. every waking moment is spent leafing through the pages of this "haunting and redemptive story about obsession".

i'm not a bookworm, i never was. but there are times when i need to have perspective on things, when i need to sort out my feelings, and i need to reflect on my life so i can live it better.

right now, the zahir is helping me put some sense into my personal history.

i would like to share with you this excerpt conveying what i hope to realize soon.

"It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over. Slowly, I began to realize that I could not go back and force things to be as they once were: those two years, which up until then had seemed an endless inferno, were now beginning to show me their true meaning."

sun-kissed body, yummieness to the extreme

2006-06-29T07:48:00.000-07:00

- hazel, this one's for u ... brian, peace! -

8:30 ride. bus 145. jam-packed. morning rush. cutiesexy khris and prettysexy hazel running late, anxious to arrive at Raffle's Hotel for the free bus ride to Millenia tower.

time stopped... anxiety disappeared... all negative feelings washed away by the rushing waves and salty breeze that surfer dude brought in to bus 145...

waaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! i have to stop. can't take this anymore. didn't know i lost my knack for creative writing so soon. =( anyways, to make my life easier so I can go to bed asap, here goes the unembellished version of the story.

today, we met the embodiment of yummieness in bus 145. american. light brown eyes. sun-kissed body. slightly bulky frame. surfer dude to its truest sense. yes, he wasn't strikingly handsome like brad pitt or tom cruise, but he still is gorgeous in his own way. simple. neat. (gay-ly neat? hahaha =D sure hope not!!!!) wearing light blue polo shirt and jeans. leather and beady (very manly hawaiian-inspired) bracelets.

we weren't exactly gawking at him, i think. in pinoy terms, "pasimple". pretending to look around, trying so hard to catch a glimpse of him without him noticing. apprentice that i am, our eyes met for just a fleeting moment. hhmmmm... yummy. it was in that brief moment,through those light brown eyes, that i realized how lighthearted and charming he is. it was only natural when i found myself wondering how it would feel like to be tightly locked in his embrace.... =D

now that i'm writing this, i have come to realize how interesting morning bus rides can be. not that they were uneventful for the past weeks... in fact, wasn't it just yesterday that i was overwhelmingly giddy with anticipation? but then again, this topic warrants a whole new blog all together. hahaha =D

nytienyt for now! mwah!

words to ponder and live by

2006-06-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

- excerpts from The Fifth Mountain by Paulo Coelho-

Everything will happen as was written by the Lord. There are moments when tribulations occur in our lives, and we cannot avoid them. But they are there for some reason.
What reason?
That is a question we cannot answer before, or even during the trials. Only when we have overcome them do we understand why they were there.

But no one can lose sight of what he desires. Even if there are moments when he believes the world and the others are stronger. The secret is this: do not surrender.

This was freedom: to feel what the heart desired, with no thought to the opinion of the rest.
She was free, for love liberates.

But life is made not of desires but of the acts of each person.

Make use of every moment so that later thou wilt not regret, nor lament having lost thy youth. To every age in the life of a man, the Lord bestoweth upon him its own misgivings.

Some merchants gave me inks of every color, because they want me to write for them. I thought of using them to describe the world I live in, but I know how difficult that is: although I have the colors, only the Lord can mix them with such harmony.

"It's the word love." Elijah took the tablet in his hands, not daring to ask why she had given it to him. On that piece of clay, a few scratches summed up why the stars continued in the heavens and why men walked the earth.

All life's battles teach us something, even those we lost. When you grow up, you'll discover that you have defended lies, deceived yourself, or suffered for foolishness. If you're a good warrior, you will not blame yourself for this, but neither will you allow your mistakes to repeat themselves.

"I am afraid," the boy said insistently. "That proves that you find joy in living. It's normal to feel fear at certain moments."

Why must I choose between saving this city and redeeming my people?
Because a man must choose, therein lies his strength: the power of his decisions.

There is a reason for everything under the sun.

There is no tragedy, only the unavoidable. Everything hath its reason for being: thou needest only distinguish what is temporary from what is lasting.
What is temporary?
The unavoidable.
And what is lasting?
The lessons of the unavoidable.

the meaning of my life is whatever i wanted it to be

When he recovered from the shame, he had ceased to be the same man. He desired neither to die nor to go on living. He desired nothing: he possessed no love, no hate, no faith.

I'm confused, lost in my own guilt. Give me time to find myself.

The unavoidable always happens. You need discipline and patience to overcome it. And hope. When that no longer exists, one can't waste his energy fighting against the impossible. It's not a question of hope in the future. It's a question of re-creating your own past.... To these people, life was a constant triumph and would go on being one....They had achieved everything they desired because they were not limited by the frustrations of the past.

It's not difficult to rebuild a life...... It is enough to be aware that we go on with the same strength that we had before. And to use that in our favor..... If you have a past that dissatisfies you, forget it now. Imagine a new story of your life, and believe in it. Concentrate only on those moments in which you achieved what you desired and this strength will help you accomplish what you want.

Everything that could have happened but did not is carried away with the wind and leaves no trace. Life is made of our attitudes. And there are certain things that the gods oblige us to live through. Their reason for this does not matter, and there is no action we can take to make them pass us by.

The pain you and I feel will never go away, but work will help us to bear it. Suffering has no strength to wound a weary body.

A child can always teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and how to demand with all his might that which he desires.

Why dost though cling fast to an existence so short and so filled with suffering? What is the meaning of thy struggle?

the brave are always stubborn

From heaven, God smiles contentedly, for it was this that He desired, that each person take into his hands the responsibility for his own life. For, in the final analysis, He had given His children the greatest of all gifts: the capacity to choose and determine their acts.

... man must choose - and not accept - his fate...

The essential point was this: to have a name...Each one has a name from birth but must learn to baptize his life with the word he has chosen to give meaning to that life.

can a man cast from his heart the pain of a loss? No. but he can find joy in something won.

A warrior accepts defeat. He does not treat it as a matter of indifference, nor does he attempt to transform it into a victory. The pain of defeat is bitter to him; he suffers at indifference and becomes desperate with loneliness. After all this has passed, he licks his wounds and begins everything anew. A warrior knows that war is made of many battles; he goes on.

Long since, the desert wind wiped away our footprints in the sand. But at every second of my existence, I remember what happened, and you still walk in my dreams and in my reality. Thank you for having crossed my path.

...when we are on high, we can see everything else as small... our glory and our sadness lose their importance. whatever we conquered or lost remains there below. from the heights of the mountain, you see how large the world is, and how wide its horizons.

fall in love, stay in love

2006-06-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

Nothing is more practical than finding God,That is, than falling in a love in a quite absolute, final way.What you are in love with,what seizes your imagination will affect everything.It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings,what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.
-- Pedro Arrupe, SJ

On My Own

2006-06-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

need i say more?