muddled thoughts

this post won't be organized & structured. i just want to get my thoughts out of my system =D

* conquering mountains, conquering thyself
"...when we are on high, we can see everything else as small... our glory and our sadness lose their importance. whatever we conquered or lost remains there below. from the heights of the mountain, you see how large the world is, and how wide its horizons" - excerpt from the fifth mountain by pc

how i miss the smell of damp earth. yes, i still long for the warmth of the sun & the salty breeze. but conquering a mountain is a totally different high. not only do i retreat into the wilderness, but i get to lose myself in His greatness, bask in humility and acceptance that i am but a dot in his canvas. nonetheless, happiness is knowing that despite my insignificance, His confidence in me is so great that i am given the honor to be a part of the greater scheme of things.

* take me out of the dark my Lord, 'cause I don't want to be alone; I don't want to be there
in friendster's language, this is my shoutout for today & for the weeks to come. i do know He's always there. i know He loves me despite my weaknesses. i know that He has forgiven me. however, i can't help but feel distant. can't help but feel unworthy. feel like He's out of my reach. or i'm out of His reach perhaps? i know that i've failed Him, that i've faltered. more often than not, gave Him up to be with him on Sundays. i didn't notice that i was slowly drifting away from Him. i don't know at what point i started doing so. all i know now is that ... i'm lost ... and that my soul is longing to find myself in Him again.

* a lesson on letting go
today i learned that one of my friends has tendered her resignation, effective end of this month. didn't expect that i'd be affected that much coz i never realized the depth of our friendship until now. i found myself crying for the nth time today at the thought of losing her, of not having her @ arm's length. i've been taught this lesson before -- not to take things for granted. i guess i have yet to learn this lesson. as the saying goes, when you've lost something, that's when you realize it's value. too late.

"you never think the last time is the last time, because you think you'll have more. you think you have forever but you don't." - grey's

* happy thought => free tall espresso frap!
got myself a free tall espresso frappuccino from starbucks today. yum!!! =D much-needed boost! thanks to a generous soul!

* missing jill
don't know when jill crossed-over to becoming my "bestest friend" from a kabarkada. she knows all my life's stories even if she's sooooo far away. when something happens to me, may it be happy or sad, she's usually the first person to know. i need not omit any details as i'm confident in our friendship. i'm sure she enjoys hearing every single detail, even the minute ones. with us, there's no such thing as "judging". but indeed there's a lot of honesty and sincerity. i miss our theological & philosophical discussions jill! i miss your smile & your hugs! wish you were here... or should i just wish i were there? hahaha =D


*** nyt ***