happiness is ...

happiness, for me, is a myriad of things. ako pa?! ang dali kong pasayahin. in other words, mababaw ang kaligayahan. but beware. mababaw din ang aking luha. right noems?! hahaha let's just say i'm an emotional person. heart over mind. more often than not, my emotions get the better off me.

as i await sleep to claim me, let me enumerate what made me happy today:
- hang-over from last sunday's "concert"; huwaaaaw! that was a different kind of high!!! and it warrants an entire blog all to itself =)
- i was productive 100% today! feel fulfilled because i was able to do most of my tasks (most of which have been long overdue)
- listened to praise music the entire day. i needed the extra boost to focus on my work. offered my work to him today. although i'm uber tired... i'm still grateful that i have the capacity to work & to push myself to my limits
- listening to snow patrol's chasing cars ... while imagining jonathan's face... or mcdreamy's or mcsteamy's ... hahaha =) haaaaaaay da best!
- the thought of eating yummy sausages! talked about TJs today. yum yum!
- chocolate milk team with pearls!!! my alternative to starbucks as i'm kinda poor right now. hahahaha
- seeing louise' pictures!!!! and my friends pictures!!!! and the mountains... and ... basically, reminiscing ... how i miss my friends & my pamangkins!
- prospect of getting a tan this may with milay! =) yahoooo!

got lots of things to be thankful for! =) thank God I'm alive!

muddled thoughts

this post won't be organized & structured. i just want to get my thoughts out of my system =D

* conquering mountains, conquering thyself
"...when we are on high, we can see everything else as small... our glory and our sadness lose their importance. whatever we conquered or lost remains there below. from the heights of the mountain, you see how large the world is, and how wide its horizons" - excerpt from the fifth mountain by pc

how i miss the smell of damp earth. yes, i still long for the warmth of the sun & the salty breeze. but conquering a mountain is a totally different high. not only do i retreat into the wilderness, but i get to lose myself in His greatness, bask in humility and acceptance that i am but a dot in his canvas. nonetheless, happiness is knowing that despite my insignificance, His confidence in me is so great that i am given the honor to be a part of the greater scheme of things.

* take me out of the dark my Lord, 'cause I don't want to be alone; I don't want to be there
in friendster's language, this is my shoutout for today & for the weeks to come. i do know He's always there. i know He loves me despite my weaknesses. i know that He has forgiven me. however, i can't help but feel distant. can't help but feel unworthy. feel like He's out of my reach. or i'm out of His reach perhaps? i know that i've failed Him, that i've faltered. more often than not, gave Him up to be with him on Sundays. i didn't notice that i was slowly drifting away from Him. i don't know at what point i started doing so. all i know now is that ... i'm lost ... and that my soul is longing to find myself in Him again.

* a lesson on letting go
today i learned that one of my friends has tendered her resignation, effective end of this month. didn't expect that i'd be affected that much coz i never realized the depth of our friendship until now. i found myself crying for the nth time today at the thought of losing her, of not having her @ arm's length. i've been taught this lesson before -- not to take things for granted. i guess i have yet to learn this lesson. as the saying goes, when you've lost something, that's when you realize it's value. too late.

"you never think the last time is the last time, because you think you'll have more. you think you have forever but you don't." - grey's

* happy thought => free tall espresso frap!
got myself a free tall espresso frappuccino from starbucks today. yum!!! =D much-needed boost! thanks to a generous soul!

* missing jill
don't know when jill crossed-over to becoming my "bestest friend" from a kabarkada. she knows all my life's stories even if she's sooooo far away. when something happens to me, may it be happy or sad, she's usually the first person to know. i need not omit any details as i'm confident in our friendship. i'm sure she enjoys hearing every single detail, even the minute ones. with us, there's no such thing as "judging". but indeed there's a lot of honesty and sincerity. i miss our theological & philosophical discussions jill! i miss your smile & your hugs! wish you were here... or should i just wish i were there? hahaha =D


*** nyt ***

paalam

salamat kaibigan sa iyong kabaitan... sa iyong pakikisama... sa iyong walang sawang pangungulit. napasaya mo ko sa mga sandaling nakasama ka namin. nagsilbi kang liwanag sa madilim kong mundo. binigyan mo ko ng pag-asa. ibinalik mo ang aking tiwala sa mga tulad nyo. napatunayan mong may matino pa pala sa mundong ito. minsan, ako'y nasaktan. nag-iba ang tingin ko sa inyo, sa mundo. may panahon na ang "pagi-ibig" ay wari'y konsepto na lamang sa akin, isang salitang nde kayang panghawakan, angkinin, damhin. salamat kaibigan. nang dahil sayo, bumalik ang positibo at makulay kong pananaw.

ngayon sa aking pagsulat, ako'y mamamaalam. nde sayo, ngunit sa aking nararamdaman. sa araw-araw kong pakikitungo sa iyo, unti-unti kitang nakilala. unti-unti kitang minahal. ngunit, alam kong dumaraan ka lang. isang anghel na tutulong saking makabangon, makalimot sa mapait kong nakaraan. ngayon, sa bawat pagpindot ko ng letra... tinatanggal na kita sa aking sistema. kakalimutan na kita... kakalimutan ko na na minsan ay nangarap akong makapiling ka. salamat sa sandaling pinasaya mo ko na halos maabot ko na ang langit. ngayon, sa araw na ito, tatanggapin ko nang ... ikaw ay isang panaginip lamang. isang pangarap na kailanman ay nde ko kayang abutin.

salamat kaibigan. nang dahil sayo, nde na asul ang aking mundo.

interrupted stories

I picked up the The Zahir to lull myself to sleep. As I was leafing through its pages, I came across this passage that prompted me to turn on my laptop yet again. This has been the focus of my life for the past year and now, I'm glad that now... it's nothing but a faint memory. Now I'll leave with some excerpts to think about:

"I think that woman was right," I said. "If you tell a story, then that means you're still not really free of it."

"I am free, but, as I"m sure you'll understand, therein lies the secret; there are always some stories that are "interrupted," and they are the stories that remain nearest to the surface and so still occupy the present; only when we close that story or chapter can we begin the next one."

...

That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.

...

"What are 'interrupted stories'?"

"Esther isn't here. She reached a point where she could go no further in the process of emptying herself of unhappiness and allowing joy to flow in. Why? Because her story, like that of millions of other people, is bound up with the energy of love. It can't evolve on its own; she must either stop loving or wait until her beloved comes to her..."


=)

of love & vanilla skies

last night was my 1st time to attend teaching nights in sfc sg. as we were beginning our discussion, noemie shared with me a couple of verses from 1 Corinthians 13. It's one of her fave verses. after reading it, i realized that it was one of my old-time favorites as well. I read these verses in my bro's wedding, a definition of what love is.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

if i go by this definition of love, then i can't say that i have already truly loved someone. this definition is hard to live by, but it's a challenge that i am willing to take. my previous relationship wasn't perfect, in fact it ended almost abruptly. but as sophia said in vanilla sky, every minute, every passing minute is a chance to change one's life.

now that i have grieved over my lost love, i'm ready to take on the challenge to start living again. i'm hopeful that my next relationship will be so much better than my first as i am comparably a better person now.

cheers to love & to vanilla skies.

chasing cars

if i lay here, if i just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world...

today was grey's anatomy's final episode for season 2. i told myself i wouldn't cry anymore. i've been crying too much already because of this series. hehehe can't help it. each episode tugs at my heart that i myself can't sometimes comprehend why. the series shows real people, real emotions, real problems. raw reality. it makes me reflect about my life, about my thoughts, my views. it shows me the depths of human emotions. humanity.

weakness. strength. happiness, anger, emptiness, vibrance. life is a roller coaster ride. it has its ups & downs. but what keeps the wheels turning is the truth that we get to decide how we live it. choice. freedom. we are challenged every passing day. we are given the choice to respond. and it's the response that matters most.

i always ask myself, why do i do things this way and that? how come this is how i face life? and the reality strikes me. it's not because this is who i am, but because i'm weak to face who i can be. who i ultimately am. swallowed in weakness, fear. unable to stand up for what i believe in because of what society dictates.

life is indeed a roller coaster ride. but we have a choice to enjoy the ride, with hands high up in the air, swaying freely right & left. life is about making choices. we may make mistakes, yes, but this is how we learn. people may not like us but hey, who are they to judge you? ultimately, it's between you and God.

i have this friend courageous enough to follow the dictates of his heart. and thereby lies his happiness, his freedom. his reason for living. because ultimately, what matters is ... one has to be true to oneself. because only then, that one knows how life can be lived with such zeal & passion.

going back to meredith & derek, can't say that i agree with where the story's leading. and i have a feeling that even if vince has plans for her, she would choose derek because that's what her heart dictates. even if this choice means complicating her life, hurting people, going against what society dictates, in the end... what matters most ... is love. having loved with your entire being, holding nothing back, freely giving & being loved in return... even for once in your life. that's what life is all about.

now i'm leaving you with fave song by snow patrol ... we'll do it all, everything, on our own. we don't need anything or anyone. if i lay here... if i just lay here... would u lie with me and just forget the world. i don't quite know how to say how i feel. those three words, i said too much are not enough. if i lay here, if i just lay here... would u lie with me and just forget the world. forget what we're told, before we get too old, show me a garden that's bursting into life. let's waste time, chasing cars around our heads. i need your breath to remind me to find my own. if i lay here.... if i just lay here... would u lie with me and just forget the world. forget what we're told, before we get too old, show me a garden that's bursting into life. all that i am, all that i ever was, is here in your perfect eyes, they're all i can see. i don't know where, confused about how as well, just sure that these things will never change for us at all... if i lay here, if i just lay here, would u lie with me and just forget the world.

love defined

taken from alex's profile:

"I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love.Love above all. No...not the artful postures of love, notplayful and poetical games of love for the amusement of anevening, but love that...overthrows life. unbiddable,ungovernable- like a riot in the heart and nothing to bedone, come ruin or rapture." - Shakespeare in Love